New Year's Resolution: Love, Me

I started a new trend two years ago on New Years Eve, which also happens to be my birthday. Instead of writing a rigid list of resolutions for the next year, I write myself a thank you note, highlighting all my accomplishments, big and small, from the previous year. When I take the time to write down everything I achieved, Im usually in awe by what Ive learned and how much Ive grown.

But I didnt always feel that way.

When I was 16, I wrote in my journal, I have set many goals for myself and I will not be satisfied until Ive achieved them all. Every night I was in my room doing endless hours of homework while my friends were out having fun. Cmon, Maria. Were going skating, theyd plead over the phone. Sorry, papers due. Were going out for ice cream. Nope. Sorry. Dont you want to have fun? Sigh. I dove into my books and told myself itll all be worth it someday.

It was as if some relentless mandate for success had been programmed into my brain, moving me like a salmon determined to swim upstream. It was a never-ending storm of expectations that was swallowing me whole. Perfect grades. Perfect college. Perfect career. Perfect life. Perfect looks. Pay attention world. Ill show you how its done.

In 2001, I walked across a spotlighted stage with tears in my eyes and accepted my summa cum laude college diploma while my family snapped pictures and beamed with pride. I was crying not because all my dreams had come true, but because I had stressed myself out to the point of being sick. And worse, my childhood dream to be a writer was as lifeless and empty as my blank journal page taunting me to compose one word more perfect than the next. From somewhere inside echoed these words: Youre not a writer -- you fake. Youll never be good enough. Youll never take that risk. Coward. You with the perfect grades. It means nothing. Youre nothing.

A psychologist once told me that a perfectionist might have to hit a wall in order to make a personal choice to cut herself some slack. I hit mine walking across that stage. FINALLY. Plowed right into it with my little perfect existence. My eyes were really opened for the first time in my life; I was a newborn taking my first peak at a frightfully glorious world.

This message really hit home at my grandfathers bedside one sunny September afternoon in the ICU. While the cancer shut down Grandpas body one cell at a time and all I wanted to do was wrap myself in the moment and never let him go, he told me, Maria, dont stay in here. Its beautiful outside. Go. You have better things to do. He understood. He knew that life was precious and that I should seek out its treasures before I would have to say goodbye. How bitter would my goodbyes be someday if I looked back and realized Id never really lived?

Recently, I leapt off a lofty cliff and decided to live my dream of becoming a writer. My husband fully supported my decision even though it meant he would become the main breadwinner until my business took off. Unfortunately, not everyone in my life had been so wonderful.

Some friends and relatives refuse to believe that I work just because I happen to set up shop from home. Not long ago, I would have internalized their criticism and allowed them to dictate my definition of success. But not anymore. I realize now that I dont have to live up to their expectations. I know that as long as I follow my heart, Im doing my education proud. And more importantly, Im doing myself proud. I finally realize that Im good enough after all and I always was.

A young woman writer recently asked, I can be anything I want so how do I choose? For New Years 07, I think Ill send myself this thank you note: Thank you for accepting yourself and being happy with that.

Love,

Me.

Maria Pascucci is the President of Campus Calm (http://www.campuscalm.com/). She helps high school & college students achieve balance, reduce stress, increase self-confidence and gain perspective in our hectic, achievement obsessed world. Free reports for students, parents and educators available with subscription to Campus Calm Connections. Maria lives in Buffalo, New York with her graphic designer husband, Shaun, who shares the homepage of their personal writing/design website (http://www.creativetypeco.com). Contact her at maria@campuscalm.com. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Maria_Pascucci

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